Malcolm Turnbull says Australia would follow the United States into conflict with North Korea should the notorious communist regime attack the Western superpower.
Is there any way we could avoid becoming the skeletons that are crushed by the foot of a Skynet-driven robot in the opening scene of Terminator 2?
Fear not. All hope is not lost! The City Journal has you covered with 13 ways you can survive the nuclear war, for days, months, even years, before you can return to the outside world and accept the gracious Kim Jong-Un as our glorious Supreme Leader.
1. A nuclear shelter
As you may have already guessed, it would be quite difficult to survive a nuclear fallout without a decent shelter. The best and most cost-effective material is reinforced concrete, however, in order to repel radiation, it will have to be at least 10 feet thick. Stick that bad boy underground and you will be the envy of all your friends and neighbours, who will likely have been horrifically deformed and mutated after referring to your bunker as a ‘waste of time and money’ in previous weeks.
2. A decent air ventilation system
While those thick layers of concrete will keep you safe of all radiation, you will still need a decent ventilation system, as it will be difficult to make a living in an environment that has no air. See if you can get your hands on a decent air filtration system, and camouflage the vents of the surface with rocks or plants to keep your bunker a well-kept secret. If you’ve got some extra cash to splash, buy a few oxygen tanks just in case the vents are compromised.
3. Non-perishable food and a water supply
So you’ve got yourself a sturdy shelter and have a reliable source of breathable air. What next? You’re gonna need to eat and drink, buddy. Perishable foods as tinned vegetables, tuna, pasta or crackers should be your go-to as they have the longest shelf life out of most foods. You’ll also need a bit of water, because rumour has it humans can’t go that long without it. Stash as much as you can and ration it carefully, as you never know how long it will take for supreme leader Kim to rebuild a glorious Australia communist society.
4. An M16 Assault Rifle
This one will be a bit harder to get hand of as it is unavailable in Australia, but any rifle should do you just fine. After all, you are now in possession of the best nuclear shelter in your neighbourhood, and most other people/mutants will be keen to claim it as their own. If you want to see the day that the glorious red, white and blue flag is hoisted on Australian soil, you’ll need to keep these types at bay with the finest semi-automatic military-grade weapons you can get your hands on.
5. An original VHS copy of the 1994 Crime/Disaster film Speed starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.
As has been already established, you may well be in this impenetrable fortress for some time. How will you entertain yourself? You’ll likely need to provide yourself with an enthralling thriller from the mid-90s which combines elements of romance, action and suspense to create an unrivalled cinematic experience. There is no better piece to focus this on than Jan de Bont’s debut feature film, which set a precedent for thrillers to live up to, as well as establishing Keanu Reeves as a bona fide Hollywood star.
6. A functioning VHS player
See above.
7. A cross section of various plant seeds that may become the currency of the new world.
While many doomsday preppers hoard seeds to provide an long-serving food source in the event of the apocalypse, it’s in your best interest to keep a well stocked granary in the event that seeds become the chief currency of the new world. While other survivors will be forced into a life of poverty and famine, you will be able to establish a powerful financial position amongst your peers with your flowing wealth of various seeds.
8. A copy of the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels
So you’ve made it into Kim Jong Un’s glorious new Australia. You’re going to need to study up on what his regime purports to achieve for its people. A little red book won’t take up much space in your bunker, plus could provide some handy tips on the regime you are now a key cog of.
Plus, they have some good points. Especially Engels. Hugely underrated.
9. One of those posters with a cat hanging from a clothesline that says ‘Hang In There’!
In the event of a nuclear attack, it is likely that morale in the bunker could drop, on account of the destruction of civilisation that is occurring outside. You’ll need to keep spirits high in order to continue surviving, and nothing will imbue belief in your fellow survivors quite like of those posters with a cat hanging from a clothesline that says ‘Hang In There’. A timeless classic with a message that we can all relate to.
10. Your children.
Almost forgot. If you do have any children it would be advisable to let them into the bunker as well.
11. A typewriter so you are able to fill in time by writing various possible endings to the 2004 Australian Young Adult Sci-FI series Silversun.
The collapse of western society as we know it will be a bit disheartening, but it will be incomparable to the emotional toll suffered by millennial Australians who were forced to sit through the final episode of Silversun. For the fortunate few who are unaware of how the series came to a close, the crew of the Star Runner headed straight into a black hole, with no indication of whether or not they survive the impact. With your typewriter handy (there will be no sustainable power source for a PC), you can fill in the hours of impending doom by writing your own various conclusions to the much loved young adult drama, and come to terms with a narrative arc that has left many young Australians scarred for life.
12. Your signed DVD of Tony Lockett’s career highlights.
Remember that time you saw ‘Plugga’ at the airport, having just bought a copy of his extended highlights for both St Kilda and Sydney? The way he begrudgingly scrawled his autograph over the cover was by far the best moment of your life. It seems like a terrible waste to leave this treasure to the mutants and roving biker warlords of the nuclear wasteland outside. While you will be unable to actually watch the highlights themselves, as you only have room for your VHS player, the aesthetic of the DVD itself is enough to substantially increase the quality of your time in the bunker.
13. Your cheap warped vinyl collection that you never use, but possess purely to let everyone know how much better you are then them.
A nuclear strike on the Australian mainland will drastically change our society as we know it, and most of the cultural values and norms of our old world could be wiped from our memory. However, there is still a chance that people in the new world will feel belittled and inferior when you needlessly brag about your untouched vinyl collection, and how you could never listen to digital again because of the ‘purity’ of sound that records offer. Granted, the odds of music itself existing in a post-apocalyptic world is minimal, but if it does, are you really willing to sacrifice the record collection that helps you feel at the top of the hipster food chain? Didn’t think so. Plus, your copy of Abbey Road is limited edition.
